It was going to be a garden where Alexander Hamilton would be honored alongside Lauren Bacall, and fans of Whitney Houston, Muhammad Ali and Edgar Allen Poe would mingle and chat with people there to watch Billy Graham, Sacagawea or Norman Schwartkopf to honor. Unfortunately it shouldn’t be. Congress ignored Trump’s proclamation, never admitted a dime for anything like that, and the man who walked into the Oval Office after the Dearest Leader cleaned all his hairspray and extra pardons from his desk quietly put an end to it. Space Force? That’s still a thing. But not this.
Anyone still sentient after the Trump years knows what happens next. It is absolutely certain that the scams are on the rise to take advantage of Trump voters who are now outraged that they will never see a bust of Jonny Cash just a flower bed from one of Milton Friedman’s.
And that’s where we want to participate.
Sure, certainly we are at the dawn of several new Trump-adjoining crook schemes to extort money from Fox News watchers by announcing that we will actually build the garden and the only thing preventing that is you Home Sitting Don’t Give Your Credit Card Number To An Internet Idiot To Ease The Effort. At least 30% of these plans will involve Steve Bannon in some way. It’s possible that Build The Wall-Grift and Build The Garden-Grift will merge into the same grift, in which Bannon, Alex Jones, Michael Flynn, and for whatever reason five different Ukrainian gangsters promise they will build a border wall that has been chiseled Granite busts by Edward R. Murrow and Harper Lee. Two hundred and forty-four heroes: 244 glorious hero-themed border fence posts, half-buried in a flood plain of the Rio Grande.
These people are scammers and their ideas are wrong. Give me your money and I’ll turn Trump’s vision of a Garden of Heroes into a travel destination that truly deserves the name. I hereby declare (this is an important word, this is like the constitutional sheriff of words) declare that we will build our own Six Flags Busch Garden of Heroes, one with blackjack and monster truck rallies. Bannon just wants your money so he doesn’t have to live on a friend’s couch. I want your money to create an American paradise on earth.
A garden full of hero statues? For sure. That’s comfortable enough. But think about how much more the kids would learn from the Garden of Heroes Bumper Cars. Each car is themed according to a different American icon. Abraham Lincoln would fight it out with Louise McManus. Amelia Earhart rushed in from the side and cleaned Emily Dickinson’s watch. On a good, solid hit, the winning car would scream one of the hero’s most famous quotes or phrases. “CALL ME ISHMAEL!” rings when Herman Melville puts Sam Walton in his place. “THE EARTH LAUGHS IN FLOWERS”, Ralph Waldo Emerson’s car will roar, while Frank Sinatra will be given a T-bone in the Double Points Zone.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was sure to be a good guy. But wouldn’t it be better in Hypercoaster form? There is no poem that cannot be made better by lifting it 300 feet in the sky and gravity doing the rest.
Imagine a Julia Child-themed boat trip – and imagine a Calvin Coolidge-themed restaurant next to it. Christopher Columbus – Wait a minute, is he American now? Sure, we’re doing it – saw his statues demolished across the country, but in our theme park we’re going to bring all of these statues back together, artfully welded into a 20-headed, 50-armed metal animal that looks like a colossus over the lagoon of Jonathan Edwards stands up.
And the only thing stopping it all is you. You idiot.
For a mere donation of a few hundred dollars a month, you could allow Donald Trump to see his finest dream come true: a bunch of random minds, and there is alcohol or whatever. Do you want Donald’s dream to come true? Or do we need to put your name on our lists as one of the many Americans who left the nation’s best golfer in his need?
Forget about Bannon. He’s a hacker. He was charged with cheating on Trump supporters and was only scraped through because Trump threw him a pardon. I have not yet been charged with defrauding Trump supporters. Who will you trust Him or me
I cannot stress enough how much money we would have to raise to achieve this. Millions. No, possibly billions. In fact, it is very likely that no matter how much money Trump supporters send, it will still not be enough to build this glorious monument. Enough to maybe buy me a new car. Enough for me to buy the old William Randolph Hearst house and maybe do a little renovation. But bumper cars cost a ton of money, and unless every Trump supporter in the country gets on here, it’s likely that Donald’s dream will die like an eagle hitting a wind turbine, which happens pretty often.
If there is one thing that both Trump’s most ardent allies and Trump’s many critics agree on, it is that Trump’s grassroots must be well, harshly, and often betrayed. The entire Trump movement is designed to do just that. But it’s not a bipartisan effort, and if we’ve learned one thing in the past few months, it is that Republicans get very, very grumpy when Democrats refuse to be bipartisan. So let’s jump in here. I’m jumping in here. Trump supporters, give me all your money. I’m going to use it on bumper cars and roller coasters, and the Billy Graham statue is going to shoot lasers out of his eyes because I know you freaks are crazy about that sort of thing.
Let’s do this thing together. Just give me your money. Whatever you have in your bank accounts is fine. It’s so Donald Trump doesn’t look bad, is it? Also, I’ll probably throw in a bucket of unidentifiable powder that we all say is a protein shake mix or whatever. Oh, but shipping costs extra.
Disclaimer: The money given to me is spent by me on things I want to spend it on. With your donation you agree that nobody mentions anything about a theme park and nobody expects one to be built. And what if the true garden of heroes was within us all the time? Build Donald Trump’s Weird Garden Fund is not responsible for these or any other claims.